To: Furry Freeloaders
We regret to inform you that your extended stay at Keating Cabin will be coming to a non-negotiable end.
While we acknowledge your tireless enthusiasm for roof scrambling, wall tunneling, and impromptu dance parties at 2 a.m., it has come to our attention that:
- You do not pay rent.
- You have failed to respect property boundaries.
- Your food stash organization is deeply flawed (sunflower seeds strewn about! Really? So blasted tidy.
Let us be clear: Keating Cabin is a sanctuary for relaxation, storytelling, and the occasional s’more—not a rodent resort. Effective immediately, we will be initiating Gentle Encouragement Protocols including:
- Peppermint oil installations at points of entry.
- Strategic placement of Irish Spring soap (no, it’s not edible).
- High-frequency eviction sonatas via ultrasonic repellents (Phase Two)
We invite you to explore alternate accommodations:
- The cozy woodpile 50 feet away from the cabin.
- The generous expanse of the forest.
- A nice neighbor’s yard or cabin, not recommended, but you seem resourceful.
“This establishment does not accept walk-ins, sneak-ins, or scampering freeloaders.”
In closing, we wish you the best in your future endeavors, and we sincerely hope you rediscover the joys of outdoor living. Your time here has left small pawprints on our hearts—and larger ones on our insulation.
Warmly but firmly,
The Management at Keating Cabin